We all need a bit o’ good natured ribbing now n’ again. I figured what better way to start than to poke a lil fun at our Fine Brithish Gent…I find this one to be appropriate as St. Patrick’s Day is nigh approaching: Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.” “Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.” Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn’t care.” The second Englishman remarked, “You just don’t know how to set him off…watch and learn.” So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!” “Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.” Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You’re right. He’s unshakable!” The third Englishman remarked, “Boys, I’ll really tick him off… just watch.” So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!” “Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”

I guess we’ll try again…

I know it’s been attempted many times, but everyone needs a good chuckle everyday! I figured I’d get an “oh God not again” type response but figured i’d try…

I don’t remember if past problems came from race, national origin, political or sexual jokes… Maybe all of the above…

Anyone taking bets?

I WAS placing bets on everybody being adults and having commom sense, but judging from these past problems you speak of, I guess I was wrong…heck @snuffster…kill it!

He’s not the only mod here… I never close a thread down “just in case.” We’ll see!

Roger that…thanks.

Three legendary cowboys from the Ole West crouched around a small fire on a cold windswept plain. One began recounting his exploits. “I ran six horses into the ground following the trail of Geronimo. I caught up to him an’ tore into his men so fast, he ran all the back to the fort yelping. After’n that I snuck through a Comanche war party six hundred strong counting coup til they made me Chief of the whole Comanche nation.” Not to be outdone, the second followed. “I dug a silver mine so deep there in Colorado, I had to beat devils off with my pickax. Hauled out 70 tonnes of silver at a go. Last trip, a rattlesnake fourteen feet long and two foot around fell on my back from a ventilation shaft. I beat its head so hard against the ground, bells in St. Louis were ringing. Made three suits complete with hat and boots outta that hide. To get the ore to the mint in Denver, I wrestled a tornado down and had the ore swept up and dropped right at the door.” As he finished belaboring his tall tale with gusto, both men turned to the third. They eagerly sought his measure of machismo—though he did not commence any reclamation of supremacy—only continued staring out into the night while stirring the fire with his dick.

Dude…that was my stag night, how did you find out about that???

@Jari T Now that’s friggin’ funny right there! Nice one!!!

Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it’s filled with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender, “What’s up with the jar?” The bartender replies “Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get the money in the jar” The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up. “What are the three tests?” “Pay first, thats the rule.” says the bartender. So the guy gives $10 to the barkeep who puts it in the jar “OK,” the bartender says. “Here’s what you need to do: First, You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once… and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. Remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third. There’s a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You’ve gotta make things right for her.” The man is stunned. “I know I paid my $10, but I’m not an idiot, I won’t do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things”. “Your call,” says the bartender, “but your money stays where it is.” As the night drags on the man has a few drinks, then a few more. Finally he asks, “Wherez zat tequila?” He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a giant slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man is surely dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. “Now,” he says. “Where’s the old woman with the sore tooth?”

My six year old’s joke: What’s the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth Hurty.

@Bart That’s funny cuz an it’s kind of an inside joke with me and my wife…when I ask her the time…whenever she says 2:30 I tell her to go to the dentist!

Why are lesbians lazy? They don’t do dick and they always eat out.

Here we go…

I ain’t touchin’ that one…but I still think it’s funny!! =)

Three Eskimos are huddling around a small fire in their igloo as the cold wind roars outside. “Man, it’s cold!” exclaimed the first Eskimo. “I mean, look at this!” He pours a piping hot cup of coffee from the pot on the coals, steps back from the fire and tilts the cup. The steaming coffee starts to pour…slows…and freezes to a shiny black icicle a foot above the floor. The second Eskimo says, “Oh yeah? Check this out!” He turns away from the warm fire, opens his mouth and exhales loudly: “Haaaaahhhhhh.” His breath clouds out, then freezes into tiny snowflakes that patter to the floor. Third Eskimo says, “Aw hell, that ain’t nothin’, get a load of this!” He gets up and goes to his bed, flips back the fur blanket, and produces a sliver of brown ice. Tosses it on the fire. PPPPPPTHTHTTHHTTHBBBBTTT!!!

The Old Flame I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called ‘out-of-the-blue’ to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that “old magic”. “Wow!” I was flabbergasted. “I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now”, I said, “I’m a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have.” She just giggled and said she was sure I would “rise to the challenge”. “Yeah.” I said. “Just so long as you don’t mind a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone…everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!” She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled and said, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!” So I told her to fuck off.

Lmao Jari. Stefan

Hahaha! Nice one Jari!!

One christmas while Santa was out delivering presents he stopped off at this one house and just as he finished delivering the presents and was on his way out a sexy blonde walks in on him and seemed very excited to meet him and asked if he would stay but Santa just replied “Ho Ho Ho gotta go, to deliver presents through the snow” Then Santa starts walking towards the chimney when the blonde quickly grabs some milk and cookies and says “now will you stay” but Santa just replies “Ho Ho Ho gotta go, to deliver presents through the snow” Then Santa proceeds towards the chimney again so she takes off her shirt and pants and says"now will you stay" but Santa just replies “Ho Ho Ho gotta go, to deliver presents through the snow” At this time Santa is already at the chimney and is just about to poke his head in when the blonde takes off her bra and panties and says “now will you stay”, Santa looks at her and says “Hey Hey Hey gotta stay, can’t go up with a boner in the way”

I’ve told this before I’am sure but it’s still awesome. There is a talk show and it features the worlds oldest man. So during the interveiw the host asks the old man what his secret is for his old age. He says “so you must take great care of yourself and eat very healthy foods.” The old man says he actualy eats a very fatty diet almost never touches veggies or fruits and loves processed foods. The host says “well then you must exercise a lot right” The old man says “I watch t.v. all day I drive everywhere I go. I’ve never jogged or even taken a walk I didn’t have to.” The host insists “You must have some secret like never smoking or drinking.” The old man smiles and says “I smoke four packs a day I’am certainly what doctors call an alcholic. Well I do have a secret and this is it. I never ever argue with anyone about anything.” The host says “Oh what crap there is no way that could be it.” The old man looks at him and says “Yeah I guess you’re right”

Oldie, but a goodie… Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn’t get pregnant again.” Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?” Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Earline with me.” --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A pedestrian’s attention is arrested by a sign on a restaurant window claiming to serve any dish you care to order, and offering £1,000 if it can’t be provided. Thinking he can make an easy £1,000 he takes a table and asks for sliced elephant trunk fried with chips. To his astonishment the waiter assures him that the order is no problem and ten minutes later his dish is served. Still determined to claim £1,000 he then asks for wallabies’ testicles braised in liquefied bat guano served on a bed of rice. He is even more amazed when the waiter urbanely tells him that his request is no problem and minutes later he is served his steaming food. Cudgelling his brain he thinks of something that no one can produce and orders tadpoles’ tits mashed on toast. To his dismay the waiter says “Very good, sir, no problem.” The minutes tick by and the man becomes aware of a commotion in the kitchen. Finally the red faced manager comes out with £1,000 on a plate and gives it to the man. Triumphantly pocketing the cash the man jibes about the tadpoles’ tits. “Sir” replies the manager “we have plenty of jars of tadpoles’ tits … it’s just we don’t have any bread to make the toast.”

Ha, many good ones. Thanks. Here’s a bad one: A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. “Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3 o’clock in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed. “Who was that?” asked his wife. “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers. “Did you help him?” she asks. “No, I did not, it is 3 o’clock in the morning and it’s pouring out there!” “Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!” The man does as he is told: he gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?” “Yes!” comes back the answer. “Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband. “Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark. “OK. Where are you?” asks the husband. “Over here on the swing!” replies the drunk. .

Why did Buddah refuse novacaine when at the dentist’s?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Redneck Logic Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic. “What’s logic?” the first redneck asked. The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?” “I sure do.” “Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor. “That’s real good!” said the redneck. The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.” Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!” “And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.” “That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!” The redneck was catching on. “Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor. “You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!” The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting. “So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend. “Math, history, and logic!” replied the first redneck. “What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend. “Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck. “No,” his friend replied. “You’re queer, ain’t ya?”

Good one

Here is one stolen from wondershowzen. Two rednecks are fishing. The first one says “I’am against same sex marriages” The other ones say “Hell I’ve been in a same sex marriage for ten years”. The first one says “you mean that you’ve been having the same sex with your wife for years”. The second ones says “no I mean she’s a fellar”